And the way things are
with repeated walks
at one in the morning
with cups of coffee
and peanut butter
chocolate
rice crispy donuts
and stolen snapshots
and seatbelts
but no place to buckle them
with a tv
you beat with a broom
to watch double vision
late night humor.

Sometimes
you begin to think
that things are going
to be good again.

In

out
drink
a drink
two drinks
lighter
left at home.

In
out
talk
small talk
cheap talk
importance
left at home.

In
out
walk
fast walk
long walk
solitude
left at home.

What do you want to be when you grow up Robert?

"A fireman, no, A chef! No. Wait! I know!
A drug addict!"

Days float
you float
your sphere
here
there
back again
can't
remember
names
dates
places
faces
those you cared about
those who cared about you
is your escape
working?
fixing?
of course

Dopamine
Dopamine
up up and away!
make the baddies go away

but the novelty soon wears off
and you wake up in the bed that used to be yours
and the apartment that used to be yours
with the friends that used to be yours
and for a brief second,
in the haze of waking after you've crashed
completely for two days,
your muscles so weak you can hardly roll over
without immense pain,
you catch a glimpse of what you once were,
what you could be,
but you've long since then
contorted your mind past
that

and you fall back asleep knowing
that sooner or later
someone will wake you up.

Either someone with the miracle
that you worship.
Or the hope and understanding
that you need deep down inside.

People that say they care,
hardly take the time
to find you when you disappear.

But maybe that's what you need.

To be found.

It's not like people don't know where you live.

I want

trumpets
and I want
comets
and I want
fireworks
and I want
discount merchandise
and I want
real time analysis
and I want
an extra 10% for free
and I want
a purpose with $0 down and no payments for 6 months

And I speed ahead through
familiar streets at a pace
I've become accustomed to
but don't really have the
stamina for.
My thoughts seem to race
faster than my fet and
I'm stuck at a window seat
because all of the
others are taken

the feelings always sink
back down and take root
in the bottomless pit of my
stomach
and entangle their branches
as they grow to strangle my
guts into twisted knots and
eat away at the lining of
my self worth until it is
lost in the leaves and
shoot and they suck
all of the life energy
from my body
and I
disappear
into a
beautiful
entropy

get away from me

I will ruin you.
I will drag you with me to the depth of my being
I will steal your hopes and your dreams
I will cause you to question
I will suck the energy and life from you.
I will never let you be
I will never get enough attention from you.
I will be needy too needy
I will need to much
I will always need there's no way around it

I am a needy person because

I will plunder your worth take it as my own, and then
I will leave you struggling gasping for breath.
I will ruin you.
I will make you hate me
I will cause your skin to crawl and your hands to tense in tight fists.

don't come close to me

I am a horrible person.

get away from me.