I'm tired
tired of trying
of grasping
of things slipping out of my fingers
because I have no idea of how to hold
fast to the things I feel I need
I don't know how to do things
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
How I'm supposed to be.
No one ever communicates anymore
and I'm left to fish in a sea where
life might not exist.

left to hindsight where I think I see
what I could have done
but didn't know
and don't know
how to do these things

each day brings more things
that turn out to be just things.
nothing exponential
I'm always let down
no
I'm always lettng others down
they expect something
something I can't name
but they won't tell me
and so I don't know

I wish I could read minds
not to spy
not to eavesdrop
but to be able to give people what
they need.
to be able to make people happy.

maybe,
maybe I've been right all along
maybe I should just sequester myself off
never attach
never get close
I invest myself too easily into others.
hoping that my investments come back
and someone will finally find me worth
the effort.
but time shows that I'm not
I'm not worth the effort it seems.