I want

trumpets
and I want
comets
and I want
fireworks
and I want
discount merchandise
and I want
real time analysis
and I want
an extra 10% for free
and I want
a purpose with $0 down and no payments for 6 months

And I speed ahead through
familiar streets at a pace
I've become accustomed to
but don't really have the
stamina for.
My thoughts seem to race
faster than my fet and
I'm stuck at a window seat
because all of the
others are taken

the feelings always sink
back down and take root
in the bottomless pit of my
stomach
and entangle their branches
as they grow to strangle my
guts into twisted knots and
eat away at the lining of
my self worth until it is
lost in the leaves and
shoot and they suck
all of the life energy
from my body
and I
disappear
into a
beautiful
entropy

get away from me

I will ruin you.
I will drag you with me to the depth of my being
I will steal your hopes and your dreams
I will cause you to question
I will suck the energy and life from you.
I will never let you be
I will never get enough attention from you.
I will be needy too needy
I will need to much
I will always need there's no way around it

I am a needy person because

I will plunder your worth take it as my own, and then
I will leave you struggling gasping for breath.
I will ruin you.
I will make you hate me
I will cause your skin to crawl and your hands to tense in tight fists.

don't come close to me

I am a horrible person.

get away from me.

I'm tired
tired of trying
of grasping
of things slipping out of my fingers
because I have no idea of how to hold
fast to the things I feel I need
I don't know how to do things
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
How I'm supposed to be.
No one ever communicates anymore
and I'm left to fish in a sea where
life might not exist.

left to hindsight where I think I see
what I could have done
but didn't know
and don't know
how to do these things

each day brings more things
that turn out to be just things.
nothing exponential
I'm always let down
no
I'm always lettng others down
they expect something
something I can't name
but they won't tell me
and so I don't know

I wish I could read minds
not to spy
not to eavesdrop
but to be able to give people what
they need.
to be able to make people happy.

maybe,
maybe I've been right all along
maybe I should just sequester myself off
never attach
never get close
I invest myself too easily into others.
hoping that my investments come back
and someone will finally find me worth
the effort.
but time shows that I'm not
I'm not worth the effort it seems.

Left to the buzzards
waiting
waiting for something
hope
atonement
closure
an explanation
waiting
waiting
feelings of
sadness
longing
wanting to be wanted?
not needing to be needed?
what is wanting
what is needing
whatever happened to
kinship
the simple joy
of existing together
when existence itself is unsure
blank
fuzzy
clouded
everything runs together
there are no lines anymore
just fuzz
and
bland blank existence

This is shit
no metaphors
no literary grandeur
basic principles